i think my tv is drunk
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
You have to summon your inner elephant
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
