the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
