In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
So. Much. Porn.
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