I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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