cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
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