His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
