her vagina looked like bernie madoff
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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