oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
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