so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
