in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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