I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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