OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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