We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
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