but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
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