Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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