I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
