I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
