This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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