im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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