You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
