My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
