Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
