Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
