there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
