Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
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