genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Randomize
