I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
