Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
