Already got asked if we're dating
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
