He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
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