you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
She needs sedatives and a leash
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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