I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
