shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Randomize
