Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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