my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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