I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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