it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
