May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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