apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
