I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
