so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
