we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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