apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
