Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
