I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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