Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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