Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
