I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Randomize
