last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
