the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
