How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
