I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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