Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Your shirt... Was in my pants
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
