if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
