about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
