Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
