Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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