my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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