I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
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