And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
